The Journey to Self…

My entire existence, from age elementary school to sweet 19, I thought that life was going to be OK for me. Why? Because I never considered where my life was going. I never made plans, & I never had the inclination to. Life was a breeze, & I eased through each day as smoothly as the wind passes by your face. Ironically I hated my present, but my only solution was to “make it to tomorrow”. There were no other plans of action aside from that. It wasn’t until a change of events I encountered in college changed my perspective, halted me in my lacksidaisical pursuit of life, & made me realize that I was headed for a lifestyle I NEVER envisioned for myself; all due to my lack of vision.

My journey to self really began in 2014, (but we’ll cover that another day), but didn’t really take its wings until recently- My junior year of college (2015) to now, my senior year (2016). Caution: This is where things may begin to sound a little weird for those who’ve never encountered anything similar; so I hope you can relate or understand.                 Quick backdrop: I’ve had a relationship w/ God since I was 16, which was when I heard His voice for the first time. (Yea, crazy! Right?!) In college due to a series of events I incidentally & accidentally grew distant from God. We got back into cahoots & have been good since… but this isn’t about Him. It’s about ME. For the first time in my life, I’ve encountered genuine interest… in Me.

Through a series of dreams I was warned that I would be entering into my 2nd bout at this test the Lord was insistent on me taking. I was nervous.. as he.. but I was determined this time. Determined to make it to my goal that regrettably slipped by me the year before. Determined to please the God who for whatever reason was persistent on me picking up a pen & pad to recall His past teachings & regurgitated knowledge learned. I was determined to succeed! What I didn’t expect was the intense strain & tornado of emotions I would encounter while crossing the bridge from point A to point B, that in my discovery of something Greater I would be forced to see larger than life visions of past pains & scarfed down memories- molestation, insecurities, daddy-issues, & my true nemesis Fear (of myself, of failure, & others’ opinions). It’s been 1yr 1/2 in academic time, but 1yr in calendar time. Seeing my mistakes, dried blood patterning my arm, swelling waves of emotions from mild-tempered to wildly enraged or fearful from the onset of the pressure I’ve been under to grow up has been HELL. Facing your fears & demons takes courage, a courage I never possessed but I’m slowly developing & healing even. I hate it sometimes. But as the days grow longer & the sky yields to the light to take on it’s ink stained cloak I realize… that God’s light has always glowed even though mine flickered. I noticed that His shown brighter & guided me through each & every dark alley & across every crooked, jagged path. Along my journey I’ve met detours, but when His light shined I found my way back. He’s plucking out the weeds (and their roots) from my soul; in return I am seeing that underneath the soil there are seeds He planted– Courage & Confidence- that never got a chance to grow or finish growing. Well… as you could guess they’re growing Now. And growing pains Hurt! But I’m ready for it. I’m worth it! I’m worth the pain, the discovery, & I’m WORTH the journey!

 

Profesz

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