I Held a GRUDGE Against God 😡

I highly doubt there are “Christians” openly discussing this…


I’m 22. But I thought I’d be married by now. But as I’m sure you’ve already guessed … I’m not. Yes, ☹. I’m not gonna front & act like I wasn’t torn up, but my relationship with God was my main focus (and school), so after an hour or so I dried my tears & kept it pushing. I had homework to do!

On numerous occasions a movie or the rushing sensation of a dream still unrealized (and deferred) crept up & reverted me back to tears. And I tried hard, so many times to just let it go where I wouldn’t be hurting anymore… but I couldn’t! And I didn’t want to be mad at God so.. I just kept it pushing. And after 4 ½ years of schooling I moved back to my sunny hometown to start the next chapter of my life with who?! You already know… MY FAMILY. 😒

The depression I sunk into (as a result of a combination of various problems) left me desperate enough to where I eventually uncovered that I needed help. Google searches for answers to what I was dealing with through blogs, articles, or videos wasn’t working. The only thing that did help me was Iyanla Vanzant, life coach & strong woman who’s been around the block more than a few times. Listening to skills she gave people on how to be successful in their lives made me cry, but gave me peace. I bought an old book of hers which is actually a workbook designed to guide you in uncovering trigger points that activate negative, subconscious & conscious behaviors. I still haven’t finished it, so I’m not sure if it teaches this particular part, but from her show I learned how to really forgive & move on (For another article!) After a few months in the book I discovered the root behind a lot of things I’ve done & also learned how to put those deeds to rest. But one act in particular that resurfaced again was that nagging, painful burn that was now anger & rage at God for deferred & unanswered dreams.

Prayer & talking to God like our normal wasn’t getting me anywhere the first few months after graduation, but eventually in some instances I began to hear His voice again. One day in particular I was asking Him again, how to move passed this pain. And as clear as day He said “forgive me.” And after 30 minutes, I did.

When I was still in school I pushed down how I felt about this situation because, well, I didn’t know what else to do. And for the time being God allowed it, but what I didn’t know that He knew (see all this secrecy between us ain’t cool..) was that He wasn’t gonna allow it to stay like that. Years of ignoring my pain + 9 months of unanswered questions pushed me to my limit, where I sought help. And that led me to realizing that I needed to forgive God. And as easy as it would’ve been, Him not pointing that out sooner wouldn’t allow me to now connect with so many people who don’t know or realize that it’s hard to pray, or painful to go to church, or impossible to hear God’s voice because they’re so pissed at Him. And hunny, that’s OK! But note that things won’t get better until you Forgive. I almost didn’t, worried that the cycle would continue or repeat itself, but I coerced myself into giving God another chance. And if I hadn’t then our relationship wouldn’t have improved as it has, nor would I be receiving answers to some of those burning questions.

Opening ourselves to forgive clears a pathway for us to be happy again. For us to make new memories to replace the old ones burned or lost. For us to find peace. And for us to make “old” friends.  

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